How to become a better person

There's always room for improvement.

Apr 6, 2023

This post is a reader’s request. If you’d like to hear my thought on a particular topic, simply reply to this email or leave a comment.

For the past ten years, much of my time and energy has been directed towards answering the question: How can I help others become better people? This is not surprising, given that my decade-long career has been in teaching, corporate learning, and self-help.

What’s surprising, however, is how little I’d thought of the “self” in self-help. I’d been so outwardly-focused I’d neglected to ask how to make myself a better person. In dispensing advice to others in my day job, I’d assumed I no longer needed that advice. In sending out this newsletter to help my readers lead more thoughtful lives, I’d assumed I was already thinking enough.

There are things I’m aware I can get better at—skills I haven’t mastered, annoying character flaws I could do without. But I see them as small adjustments, tiny tweaks to what I perceive as my already-perfect self.

I’ve made it, I’d think. I’ve suffered my fair share of adversity and overcome it all to become the best version of myself, no improvement needed. I am happy. Surely that means the question of how to become a better person—the question I’m expecting everyone to ask themselves—has become irrelevant for me.

There’s always room for improvement

But, of course, I’m wrong. If you’d asked me sixteen years ago whether I was perfectly happy with myself, I would have responded with a resounding “yes.” But I now cringe when looking back at the person I was. If you’d asked me the same question three years ago, I also would have said yes. Yet I’m much happier with the person I am now than the one I was then.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve mistaken happiness for perfection. I thought that because I was happy, I no longer needed to improve myself. My self was fine as it was—it needed no help thank you very much.

But perfection—if there even is such a thing—is a moving goalpost. What I considered perfect sixteen years ago appears categorically lacking to me now. Even perfection from as recently as three years ago no longer seems perfect to my slightly more enlightened eyes.

Humans are ever-evolving creatures. We change through experience, grow through reflection. We want different things than we did. We stop believing things we would have died defending. What’s “perfect” for a seventeen-year-old is abhorrent to a thirty-three-year-old.

In other words, no matter how happy you are with your self today, there is always room for improvement. Self-improvement is not the prerogative of the unhappy—it’s a privilege we all share.

How to become better

As for the nuts and bolts of how to become a better person, there are a million ways we can go about this. But here are three—you guessed it—questions that might be worth asking:

What does “better” mean? In what way do you want to become a better version of yourself? Do you want to become a better worker/parent/child/friend? Do you want to have a better temperament? Do you want to bake flakier croissants? Narrow down your field of self-improvement. The more specific, the better.
Why do you want to become better at that one thing? If it’s temperament, why do you want to be calmer/less fiery/more humorous/etc.? If it’s croissants, why do you value flakiness so?
Is that a good reason? “Not breaking all the vases” may be a good reason for wanting to become less fiery, but wanting to be more humorous because “I want people to like me” might be sidestepping the issue.

These three questions are simple to ask, but not easy to answer. More likely than not, they’ll reveal unsavoury aspects of yourself you’d rather ignore.

For the longest time, I’ve wanted to be a better conversationalist, to be able to have engaging conversations with anyone I sit down with. On the surface, this drive for self-improvement seemed harmless. But as soon as I dug deeper and asked myself why, I realised my desire was motivated by a belief that I was somehow lesser than. I knew less about the world than other people, I had fewer opinions, therefore I was inferior—defective, unworthy of attention and time.

Asking myself the three questions showed me how “I’m not a good conversationalist,” was merely a smoke screen for “I’m not a worthy human being.” Now we were getting to the heart of the issue, and I knew where to direct my efforts of betterment.

I do not claim that my three questions are the only path to becoming better versions of ourselves—they most definitely aren’t. But I do think it’s important—whichever route you take—to always ask yourself why. Why do I want this for myself? Why do I not like that? Figuring out your why will often reveal your values. And that’s where the real work of becoming a better person begins.

What do you think?

I’ve shared with you my three questions to help us all become better people. Now it’s your turn to share your wisdom:

How to become a better person?

Do you have a process? Is this a question you’ve asked yourself? Or are you the picture of perfection? Please hit “reply” or leave a comment—I read every response and I’d love to hear from you. Even better, share this with someone who’s made it their life mission to become better every day.