Today’s newsletter is inspired by a question a long-time reader1 asked me:
Have you ever made a wrong decision? What was it? What was your feeling, and how did you deal with it?
My answer was quick and unequivocal:
“No, I have never made a wrong decision.”
I have made plenty of decisions that have had bad consequences: cheating on an ex (result: a nasty break-up), staying out late and drinking a lot (result: a full-blown manic episode), not exercising (result: flab, so much flab)—the list goes on.
But I don’t consider any of these—or the myriad other silly decisions I’ve made—to have been wrong. No. I am a fervent believer that there are no right or wrong decisions in life—just things you did and didn’t do.
What is a wrong decision anyway?
When you’re saying a decision is “wrong,” what do you actually mean? Do you mean:
It led to bad consequences (like my decisions above).
It’s something you wish you hadn’t done.
It was made in the throes of misguided passion.
It wasn’t well-informed.
It defied logic.
It made you feel bad.
It hurt you.
It hurt other people.
It caused you/your friends/your company/your neighbour/your cat to lose money.
It caused you/your friends/your company/your neighbour/your cat to lose face.
…you get the idea.
Likely, what qualifies as a “wrong” decision in your book falls into one (or many) of the above categories. But I want to argue that any such decision still wouldn’t be wrong.
Saying a decision is wrong introduces a moral dimension that I find unhelpful. It’s essentially saying that me deciding to do this thing was bad—from which it’s a short slippery slope to I am bad.
And no good comes of that line of thinking.
A life with no wrong decisions
Instead, wouldn’t it be better to look at all our decisions—not in terms of right or wrong—but in terms of what we did and didn’t do?
Isn’t that what a decision essentially is: a choice of what to—and not to—do?
Some of those choices will enrich your life and lead to good things. Some will lead to bad consequences. A select few may trigger a chain of catastrophic events that change the face of the earth.
Whatever the case may be, wouldn’t it be better to just say, “I decided to do this. I own this decision,” instead of moralising and blaming ourselves and feeling bad?
I mean, unless you were under the influence of alcohol/drugs/emotions/[insert vice of choice], every decision you made in the past must have seemed like the best decision at the time. Otherwise you wouldn’t have made it. And it’s only with the benefit of hindsight that you can look back and say, that was a wrong decision.
Instead of “wrong decisions,” I call them: “decisions that led to bad consequences.” And thinking in this way helps me skip the moralising/blaming/feeling bad part, and get straight to: how do I make decisions that lead to better consequences going forward?
I don’t dwell on the decisions themselves. You may say they were bad, or stupid, or wrong. But to me, it doesn’t matter. They’re just things I did, and I have to own them and live the consequences. And having seen what the consequences are, I’ve learned not to make the same kind of decisions going forward.
Instead of always looking back at wrong decisions, mistakes, and regrets—wouldn’t it be better to look ahead and make each new decision with lessons we’ve learned from the past? Is that not a better way to live?
What do you think?
Maybe you think I’m a complete loony in how I’m choosing to see the world. Maybe you see some sense in my madness. Either way, I’d like to hear from you:
Is it better to live a life of no wrong decisions?
Send a reply, leave a comment, share this with a friend who always seems to do the right thing:
Until next Friday… Stay thoughtful,
Val
p.s. This post was a reader’s request. If there’s a topic you’d like me to stop and think about, simply reply to this email or leave a comment and I’ll consider it for a Val Thinks post.
Photo by krakenimages on Unsplash
Shout out to P! Keep these great questions coming.
Have you ever made a wrong decision?
Yeah! Thank you for this article! This morning when I saw your newsletter I feel like "wowww I need a focus time to read it and consider what comment I will give you”. I really like that the contents are not force anyone to agree or think this is the best thought, but it is "Val Thinks". In my book “wrong decision” means the decision you have made, then you regretted. It’s such a good point that you give definitions many meanings before… those make me think along with you.Then I found out just some of them I am fitted in. Then I realize my own definition. I love your definition that you call “decisions that led to bad consequences”. By the way, it like I’m talking with you and considering myself in the same time. I found you are a good resilient person. Today, I leant from Val Thinks again❤️