Last December, I wrote the first part of this 2-part series on relationships: how to find “The One.” The guide went on to become one of the most popular articles on this site, and a mega success on Medium.
Many people commented letting me know how much the guide resonated with them and how useful they found the practical tips offered. Several months have elapsed, and I think it’s a good time to come back to the next piece in that relationship puzzle: how to keep “The One” you’ve found.
So buckle up, Dear Reader. Here are three things I’ve learned that make a relationship work, and three that break them.
3 things that make a relationship
1. Trust
Trust is the foundation of all that’s well and good in this world. Without trust, society can’t function. And the same goes with relationships.
Trust in the context of relationships means believing that your partner will love you, be faithful to you, have your best interests at heart without having to know about their every action, thought, or motive.
It’s not having to know what they talked about with that attractive colleague when they went out for drinks late into the night. It’s not constantly wanting to know what’s on their mind. It’s not questioning why they need some alone time.
It’s believing in your partner despite not knowing. It’s not asking for total transparency, but being comfortable with the lack of it.
2. Transparency
Here’s where you give me a funny look: Val, you just said we’ve got to be comfortable with the lack of transparency. Now you’re saying we need transparency for a relationship to work? What the hell!?
Bear with me a second. What I mean is that we should trust our partner despite the lack of transparency from them, but at the same time we should be transparent about ourselves.
By transparency, I don’t mean letting your partner know your every action, every thought, or motive (remember, if they trust you they shouldn’t need to know these things). It’s letting them know what they should know.
Maybe you don’t like how your partner sometimes cuts you off mid-sentence. Maybe you feel they’re taking you for granted. Maybe you had a crush on that cutie at work. Maybe you’re so stressed that you’re taking it out on your partner.
These are all things that can impact the relationship. They are difficult to talk about and maybe you have the urge to keep them from your partner. But I’d argue that whenever you have this urge to keep something secret, the opposite is what you should do.
Be transparent with your partner. Talk about all the things that feel uncomfortable to talk about. And trust that they’ll take you for your word and not question your motives.
3. Respect
A relationship cannot survive in any healthy form if the people in it don’t respect each other. Period.
Respect is:
Listening to your partner when they’re talking—don’t interrupt, don’t be distracted.
Letting your partner make their life choices—you may disagree about the best way forward, but it’s their life, not yours.
Not belittling your partner to them and/or others—offering constructive feedback (when asked for) is one thing, but putting someone down (deliberately or not) is never a good thing.
Not complaining about your relationship issues to other people—if you have an issue with your partner, talk to them.
Respect also manifests itself in other small, yet significant, ways:
Not checking your phone while your partner is talking
Waiting for your partner when they’re getting off the taxi after you
Not shooting all your partner’s suggestions down when you ask them what they want to do (I am very guilty of this, sorry honey!)
You may think these are small, insignificant things. But they are not. They imply a lack of respect that is pervasive and could in time destroy the relationship.
Which brings us to…
3 things that break a relationship
1. Passive aggression
If you’re a long-time reader of this newsletter, you might be expecting reciprocity as the number one enemy of a healthy relationship, but I’m afraid there’s an even worse sin: passive aggression.
Not saying what you want, not saying what you’re upset with, not saying how you want things to be, and then devising roundabout ways to “communicate” by giving someone the cold shoulder, slamming doors, and dropping hints—there’s nothing that kills a relationship faster.
I think most (if not all) of us have been guilty of passive aggression at certain points in life. When we’re feeling shitty or are in a difficult situation, it’s tempting to resort to passive aggression as the easy way out. But trust me, passive aggression will not solve your problems—it will make them 1,000 times worse.
2. Expecting reciprocity
I’ve written at length about why I think reciprocity kills relationships, but as an astute reader pointed out: it’s not reciprocity that’s the culprit, but the expectation of reciprocity.
The moment you begin doing nice things because you expect your actions to be reciprocated by your other half, that’s when you turn your relationship into a transactional, tit-for-tat relationship. The moment you make your acts of love and affection conditional upon being reciprocated, that’s when you suck all the beauty out of the relationship.
Love unconditionally, and don’t expect reciprocity.
3. The relationship scorecard
If your partner does something you don’t like, talk to them about it. Don’t make a mental note of it and keep a tally of “all the ways you’ve wronged me.” No good comes of keeping score. No good comes of bringing up that one time your partner forgot your birthday when fighting about taking out the trash.
If your partner does something nice, thank them for it then and there. If your partner does something not-nice, tell them straight (no passive aggression) so you can talk it through (transparency). Then forget about it. Seriously, what’s past is past. What matters is what you (and your partner) do now and every day going forward.
What do you think?
So there’s my top 3 dos and don’ts when it comes to having a healthy relationship. And now I turn the thinking hat over to you. Let me know:
What are the dos and don’ts in a relationship?
What has made your relationships work? What has consistently wrecked them? Send a reply, leave a comment, share this with someone who has kickass relationships.
Until next Friday… Stay thoughtful,
Val
p.s. This post was a reader’s request. If there’s a topic you’d like me to stop and think about, simply reply to this email or leave a comment and I’ll consider it for a Val Thinks post.