The Foolproof Way to Find "The One"

Gather around, singles of the world.

This post is a reader’s request. If you’d like to hear my thought on a particular topic, simply reply to this email or leave a comment.

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A few months back, I found myself in a Zoom reunion call with a handful of lovely colleagues I’d worked with a couple of companies ago. As each of us gave our life updates, conversation drifted to the ever-important question: “How can we get P¹ a boyfriend?”

Knowing I write this newsletter and am in a happy, long-term relationship, they asked me to write about how one can go about acquiring a boyfriend. Since half of the people reading this newsletter probably aren’t looking for a boyfriend, I’ve decided to widen the scope to: How can we find “The One”?

Buckle up, dear Reader, here is my totally unscientific four-step guide to finding The One:

Step #1: Find Who You Are

Before you can go about finding your other half, it’s crucial that you first find yourself. A relationship is a coming together of two persons² who each has an identity—values, beliefs, personality, preferences, idiosyncrasies, etc.

A relationship that works is one where there is enough compatibility between these component parts for each person to be a valuable addition to the other’s life. If you don’t know what your component parts are, how will you know when you’ve found someone whose parts are compatible with yours?

Finding The One isn’t about falling in love with the perfect hair, the washboard abs, the model legs, those big blue eyes. It’s about finding a whole person who’s compatible with you. So start by finding yourself.

Step #2: Love Yourself

At risk of sounding hokey, you can’t truly love and be loved by someone unless you already love and feel good about yourself.

A lot of people seek a relationship to fulfill a void they have. They crave the attention and affection from a partner that will make them feel loved. They are looking for someone to “complete” them.

Sorry, Jerry, the line may have gotten you the girl, but you’ve got it all wrong.

It’s not about completeness. You’re not looking for The One to complete you. You’re presenting yourself to The One as you are, warts and all, so they can decide if they want to love you. It’s not on them to make you whole. That’s on you.

So, love yourself. Look after your health and hygiene. Wear clothes you think look nice. Take up hobbies that you enjoy. Spend time with people you like spending time with. Ditch that job that overworks and stresses you out.

Love yourself, so that The One can come and love you as you are.

Step #3: Don’t Play Games

Now that you know and love who you are, it’s time to get practical.

And my top advice when it comes to that is: Don’t play games.

Quit the “I’m going to make them wait a couple of days before I call,” “I’m going to play ‘hot and cold’ to keep them guessing,” “I’m going to intentionally not look at and/or answer their messages so they don’t think I’m waiting to hear from them.”

Quit it. Quit it all.

One of the bedrocks of a successful relationship is communication. Open, honest communication. That’s how you build trust.

Safe to say, if you begin your relationship with games and deception, you’re not exactly setting your relationship up for success.

So quit it. Say what you feel. Do what you want. Call them when you want to. Message them back. Tell them you like them. Ask them on a date.³

Quit the strategising, the games, the toying.

Be straight with them. And if they can’t handle you honestly communicating your thoughts and feelings, then they’re not The One.

Step #4: “Fuck Yes, or No”

The rule of “Fuck Yes, or No” is so awesome I wish I was The One who made it up, but I’m not. So to give credit where credit is due, this idea is the brainchild of my awesome boss and you can read more about the rule on his blog.

In short, though, the rule states that:

When you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.

And the reverse: When you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must also respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.

This rule is simple, but it will sort out most of your relationship troubles.

If someone is hot-and-cold, if you’re constantly having to guess their intentions, if you’re not quite sure if you’re in the friend zone or not, you’ve already lost. Move on.

Don’t settle until you find someone who’s “Fuck Yes” about you and you’re “Fuck Yes” about. Why would you ever want to be with someone who’s not as excited to be with you as you are with them?

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And there we go, my foolproof, totally unscientific four-step guide to finding The One.

Does anything resonate? Do you feel like this is something you could use? If you’ve already found The One, how did you do it?

Send a reply, leave a comment, share this with someone you think might be The One.⁴

Until next Friday… Stay cool, stay safe, stay thoughtful,

Val

1. P, you know who you are.

2. Sometimes more…

3. Disclaimer: But by all means do respect the boundaries of social decorum. Hopefully I don’t have to tell you that you shouldn’t call someone ten times on the same night when they don’t pick up… no matter how much you want to.

4. But—you protest—what if I don’t want them to know I think they’re The One? To which I say: all the better because you’re all about openly communicating your thoughts and feelings now that you’ve read my guide, and if they’re not excited to be forwarded this email then you know they’re not a “Fuck Yes” for you so you can totally move on to your next crush. But wait, you may just want to share this with a friend you have absolutely no romantic interest in and I’m just making life hard for you because they may now think you like them even though you don’t and that can lead to all sorts of awkwardness I mean what if they’ve always had a secret crush on you? Damn, no one’s going to share this post now will they.