Sorry I can’t make it anymore. Work… is how a third of my dinners with friends end before they even begin.
There’s a crisis at work and I can’t leave. My client is visiting from abroad. The higher-ups sprung a training on us. I thought I’d be back from my work trip by now but everything is delayed.
A million reasons that boil down to just one: work.
Each time this happens, I thank the friend for letting me know, reschedule, and usually we end up ingesting food and exchanging updates a few weeks later. All is well.
Though I can’t help but wonder, does it have to be this way?
Am I the exception?
I question the status quo for one simple reason: I’ve never experienced this work creep in my decade-long career.
I’ve worked long hours and through weekends, sometimes for months on end, but this extra workload is always foreseen and doesn’t disrupt my plans. I don’t arrange to meet my partner, my family, my friends, then cancel a few days before because work “came up.” I just wouldn’t make those plans in the first place.
Granted, my dream job working for my favourite author—a fully remote, highly flexible role—is a rare exception. But I’ve had plenty of “normal” jobs these past ten years. Before my current stint in media, I worked in online marketing, customer service, human resources, training, education, localisation. I’ve done full-time, part-time, shiftwork, on-site, hybrid, freelance. And in none of these capacities was I forced to routinely compromise life for work.
When I “pencil in” a coffee with a friend two months from now, we both know that coffee is happening. If I say dinner is at six, I’m there at five to. What goes on my social calendar never comes off, everything happens exactly when it’s supposed to.
Am I just incredibly fortunate to have been blessed with benign bosses and wondrous workloads? Am I a freak of nature?
Or can this exception actually be the norm?
Where to draw the line
Everyone’s situation is different, but I suspect there is an element that’s under our control, that we’re partly to blame for letting work take over.
Some jobs are more demanding than others. Some require longer hours. But at the end of the day, (hopefully) none of us are physically chained to our desk.
Is it not possible for all of us, then, to draw a line and firmly say, thou shalt not cross?
I was having lunch with a friend in London a couple of months ago, and—after both ordering healthy dishes off the menu—our conversation drifted to why people don’t eat more healthily.
I’m too busy, I don’t have time is the common justification for eating crap. I’d never fully bought into the excuse, but I’d always wondered if some people really didn’t have the time.
But talking to my friend made me question this doubt. If my friend—a mother of one, soon two, working a full-time job—could cook and eat healthy food regularly, then surely it’s possible for more of us to do so?
Could it be “no time” is just a convenient front for a lack of will and planning?
Thinking of others’ work creep that has derailed so many of my plans, I can’t help but ask to what extent “work” is a convenient scapegoat for a lack of boundaries—boundaries that are down to us to enforce through difficult conversations with the boss, through saying “no” when it might hurt our standing at work, our chances at a promotion.
I’ve got dinner plans with a friend so I’m leaving now, but I’ll be back to sort this problem out first thing tomorrow morning.
I’d love to have dinner with the visiting client, but I’ve already got plans with my partner. Let me schedule an afternoon meeting instead.
I’d love to attend this training, but I have a prior engagement. Please give more advance notice next time.
I want to be back in Ho Chi Minh City to spend the evening with my family, let’s make sure there is enough time for me to get back in case we run over.
Why must we prioritise work over our partner, family, friends? Where is it decreed that work must win every time it comes up against life?
Can’t we have both, in their own time?
What do you think?
We’ve formed a society where the norm is work first, dinner with friends later. You may say that’s how it should be—after all, friends don’t pay your bills. But I ask: aren’t our partner, family, and friends the people we’re hoping to grow old with? Why then do we value them less than a job we’ll probably leave in a few years, and from which we can be fired at a moment’s notice? Isn’t there something seriously wrong with this picture?
Would you cancel dinner with a friend if something comes up at work?
I don’t think I ever have (friends, correct me if I’m wrong!), or that I ever would. There is a time for everything, and how I treat my friends is far more important to me than how hardworking my boss thinks I am.1
Please hit “reply” or leave a comment—I read every response and I’d love to hear from you. If you want, share this post with a friend who always puts you first.
Until next Friday… Stay thoughtful,
Val
Photo by Anthony Da Cruz on Unsplash
Though Mark, if you’re reading this, know that I’m very hardworking. Obviously.
This is good food for thought! I know I’ve been the friend in the past who canceled plans because of work.
There are a few reasons I think people do this. First, we live in a capitalistic society. Deep down, we know work isn’t the most important thing, but that can be difficult to remember when everything around us is telling us the opposite. Second, friends are typically more understanding than bosses. Sometimes, it’s easier to gently let down a friend than it is to stand up at work — especially in an environment when your job might feel precarious. And third, there are some industries that are especially demanding and unpredictable. Back when I was in the position of canceling plans with friends for work, I worked at CNN leading a relatively small team. It was always because there was a major breaking news situation and I had to cover a shift. These days, as a freelancer and my own boss, I’m so very happy to be able to put friends — and family, and myself! — before work.