I have a list of questions in the back of my mind that sound rhetorical, but aren’t. “Why have kids?” is one. “What’s the point of weddings?” is another. These are questions I ask myself constantly, but to which I have yet to find satisfactory answers.1
Today, I’m asking myself (and you, Dear Reader) another: Why marry?
Why marry?
You’ve found the love of your life. You’ve spent some years getting to know each other—the quirks, the deepest secrets, the beautiful and the ugly. Maybe you’ve lived under the same roof and established a comfortable routine of who does the dishes on what days, who takes out the trash. You call each other “partner” rather than “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.” You’re confident you want to spend the rest of your lives together.
This is the point at which many—dare I say most—pop the question, “Will you marry me?” and proceed to sign their names on a piece of paper, have a priest declare them “husband and wife,” or participate in some other marriage ceremony of choice.
Getting married to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is probably one of the most entrenched norms wherever you live in the world. It’s what people do, and expect others to do. I’m willing to bet that if a couple have been together long enough, they inevitably get asked the question of when they will tie the knot by most people they know.
But I don’t get why.
Why is it not enough for a couple to just live together for the rest of their lives? Why must they be legally (or religiously) wedded? What purpose does a marriage serve?
My attempt at an answer
Having been with my partner for a marriage-appropriate number of years, I’ve spent some time pondering this question. And the only good reason I can come up with for getting married is the legal benefits.
I’d want to be married to my partner if it will make our lives easier in terms of finances (tax breaks would be lovely), immigration (residency in the UK would be even lovelier), and life-or-death matters (I wouldn’t want either of us to be turned away from a death-bed hospital visit by the phrase “family only”).
Not being religious myself, I see marriage as a legal endeavour, to be taken part in for legal benefits.
Yes, I’ve fantasised several times growing up what it would be like to be popped the question to, to be presented with a beautiful, diamond-studded engagement ring. But the more years I’ve lived, the less point I see.
To me, what matters is the “spend the rest of our lives together” part. And getting married is completely irrelevant to that. There is no law that mandates two people must be legally married to live together, only society’s expectations. And society’s expectations are rarely a good reason to do anything.
What do you think?
So, whether or not you’re married, let me ask you:
Why marry?
Why is it not enough for two people to choose to spend the rest of their lives together? Why do we feel compelled to pop the question, to tie the knot?
Send a reply, leave a comment, share this with someone whose thought you’d like to hear.
Until next Friday… Stay thoughtful,
Val
Photo by sergey mikheev on Unsplash
If you have a good answer to these, please indulge me in a comment, a reply, or pigeon mail.
"And the only good reason I can come up with for getting married is the legal benefits." Oh dear. That sounds very sad. Or very rational. (Either way, I should say that Val and I know each other beyond the blog, and you can imagine myself with a smile on my face while typing this 😊 )
On a more serious note, I am happily married, and the act of the wedding ceremony was important to me as a public commitment to my partner. To me, it makes a big difference to "just living together".
This said, I also know from experience that there are no guarantees that a marriage will last until death parts people. And of course, I have no intention to impose my model of living on others. Each couple needs to decide for themselves what works best for them.
May you be safe, may you be healthy, may you be happy, and may you live with ease.