What's the point of weddings?
Not a rhetorical question
On my list of things (I suspect) people do without really knowing why, weddings are up there in the top three.1
To be clear, I’m not talking about getting legally married or religious wedding ceremonies. I’m talking about wedding celebrations where you bring together an unnecessarily large crowd of people (often including distant relatives you met once when you were nine and children of your parents’ friends that you couldn’t tell apart from a stranger on the street), feed them (ostensibly for free, but actually not really because of the wedding contributions they’re expected to give), then display your love in the form of a) pre-wedding photos artfully arranged for guests to take selfies with and post on social media later with a predefined and super creative hashtag, b) a video presentation of your love story/the exquisitely staged yet unnecessarily complicated proposal, c) getting on stage and giving a tearful speech about your other half, d) joining hands in cutting a giant white cake only one tier of which is actually edible, e) playing games like “Who did X first?” to satisfy your guests’ curiosity while also showing off just how perfect of a match you are.2
Seriously, what’s the point?
Weddings = gratuitous display of love
Let’s break down the typical wedding celebration into its components:
Guests numbering into the hundreds (possibly thousands)
Free (but not really free) food
Display of love (said video presentation, speeches, games, etc.)
Blessings from relatives
Souvenirs
(For the bride) that beeeeeautiful white dress you’ve dreamt of wearing since you were five3
And… that’s it?
Now, can you look at that list and honestly tell me that any (or all) of those contribute to having a successful married life? I can’t see it.4 For years I’ve asked myself, and always come up empty. I’ve attended many weddings and even been bridesmaid at a few.5 And I’m none the wiser as to what we have them for.
I see weddings as no more than a gratuitous display of love. Some may say it’s a celebration, but if the goal is to celebrate, why do we need to see those pre-wedding photos, watch a video of your love story, listen to you tearfully talk about each other on stage? These are all displays of love, not a celebration.
If the goal really is to celebrate, why don’t just have a nice meal with the people who matter? After all, you don’t celebrate birthdays by showing newborn photos of yourself to a relative you’ve never met, playing a video of your life story to people you’d never tell a secret to in real life, or give a speech to 300 guests about how you’ve successfully weathered every storm and lived to be X years old.
My kind of “wedding”
A friend asked me recently if I’d have a wedding. And you won’t be surprised that my answer was a flat-out “no.”
What I want to do instead is to bring together my closest friends (20 tops) and have a nice meal together at my favourite restaurant. I’ll just book a table or a private room, and order a normal-sized chocolate cake.6 Make sure my to-be husband is there. That’s it.
In fact, I won’t even have my family there. For my family, I’ll organise another meal with my parents and my uncle and my aunt. Four people—that’s it. This will be my family celebration.7 And maybe another chocolate cake.8
I want to celebrate my marriage the same way I’d celebrate any happy occasion: bring the people who matter together and just spend a nice few hours together with good food and genuine conversation. There will be no speeches, no beautiful white dress, no games, no souvenirs, no wedding “envelopes.” None of the things that make up a conventional wedding that I genuinely can’t see the point of.
What do you think?
Now that you know what I think about weddings, I want to hear your thoughts.
What is the point of weddings? If you’ve had one, what was your reason for it?
Did you do it for the family? Because society expects it? Because you wanted to wear that beautiful white dress that you’ve dreamt of since you were five?
Send a reply, leave a comment, share this with someone whose wedding you really enjoyed.
Until next Friday… Stay thoughtful,
Val
Photo by Leonardo Miranda on Unsplash
Having kids is another. I don’t doubt that many couples have valid reasons for wanting a child and they go about it consciously and logically. But I suspect many just do it because it’s what’s expected of them without really thinking through the implications.
What I just described is weddings as I’ve experienced them in Thailand. You’re highly encouraged to reply/comment and let me know what your experience of weddings has been where you are in the world.
Thanks for that, Hollywood.
And if you can, then something’s seriously wrong with that marriage.
Though you’ll have gathered my unflattering opinion of weddings, I still feel honoured every time I’m asked to be a bridesmaid because of what that request signifies. And I take my bridesmaid duties extremely seriously.
Because I’ll come up with any excuse to eat chocolate cake.
I don’t think there’s much point bringing family and friends together. They don’t know one another and I’d rather have quality time with one group at a time than have to divide my attention and let both down.
Because why not.
At a wedding I attended many years back, the minister addressed the friends and family and spent a few minutes explaining the importance of us being there.
The relationship being sealed that day didn’t involve just the two people, he explained, but included the extended community - us. It was our responsibility to nurture and support the couple and their relationship. We were not spectators but participants.
This really resonated with me and to this day, I take that role seriously.
You put all of my wedding feelings into a much more coherent argument. Thank you.
I got married last month. We reserved a small room at our favorite restaurant, invited our parents/siblings/grandparents, said our vows, and ate great food. The next night, we had 15 friends join us at Olive Garden. It was perfect.
Our parents want to throw us a huge reception, because ~that’s what you do~ but I will never comprehend why you need 200 distant relatives--who you only see at weddings and funerals--to be there to wish you well.