These 3 realisations changed my life

Have you had them too?

Aug 24, 2023

Exactly one month ago today, I turned 34. Thirty-four years of waking up each day to make mistakes, surprise myself, learn and grow. I’m by no means wise beyond my years. But I’m far wiser than I ever was.

It helps that the jigsaw pieces of my life fell neatly into place in my 30s—a loving and healthy relationship with my partner, the job of my dreams, supportive parents, wonderful friends old and new, an exciting and effortless life for the past 2.5 years in Ho Chi Minh City.

These factors combined afforded me the headspace to mature into the cool-headed 34-year-old that I am… and to have the following three realisations that changed my life for the better.

Here they are—from least to most important. See if you’ve had them too.

Realisation #1: I don’t need to be offended

The least important of the three, but one which I have occasion to remind myself of often. Like when:

My accountant doesn’t reply to acknowledge that I’ve sent him my company’s financial documents for the month, despite my having expressly asked him to.
A person I’m about to meet for the first time reveals they can no longer make it when I reach out to confirm the day before, due to a change of plan that happened a week earlier.
Airport security accuses me of not putting my luggage on the belt, even though I totally did and some asshat removed it to make space for theirs.
My partner tells me something I don’t like to hear about myself (most recently, that I can be unkind).
A friend I haven’t seen in ten years doesn’t respond when I’m in town and ask to meet up.

These are all events that would have offended me—to varying degrees—in the past. I would have huffed and puffed about my negligent accountant, gotten indignant at the airport security, probably decided I never wanted to see that old friend ever again.

But… what’s the point? Why take things personal? Why let yourself be ruffled by all the things in life—and there’ll be plenty—that don’t go your way? Getting offended at every slight, every rejection is surely a tiresome way to live.

Yes, I’ll still get annoyed when undesired things happen—I’m still human after all. But I just feel that annoyance, let it go, then move on to the next thing. No offense, no grudges.

I like this life much better.

Realisation #2: I don’t need to be right

Have you ever had an argument with your partner or a friend that devolved into an “I said, you said”? Sure you have.

And does it ever get satisfactorily resolved? Of course not.

Until the day comes when—Black Mirror-style—we record every instance of our lives and can simply rewind to see exactly who said or did what, we will never be able to definitively resolve these differences of recollection.1

But it doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter if I said “today” or “tomorrow.” It doesn’t matter if I reminded you to buy water or forgot. It doesn’t ever matter who’s right in this memory game we like to play with our loved ones, friends, family, colleagues, cleaners, doormen.

What matters is what we agree on now. And how we move forward from the conflict and misunderstanding.

The next time you catch yourself perpetuating an argument for the sake of being right, ask yourself what matters more: being right, or your happiness.

Realisation #3: I don’t need to be liked by everyone

The most important, and one which I still haven’t internalised to this day.

We all want to be liked, myself more than most. I crave approval, praise, acceptance. So much so that I’ll sometimes stop myself from doing or saying things that I should do or say, so as not to risk people disliking me.

I face this a lot at work. I want to be liked by my boss, my colleagues, our readers. So I hesitate to say things that might cast me in a negative light—will my boss get annoyed? Will my colleague think I’m nagging? Will the reader get angry if I refuse their ridiculous request?

Each time this happens, I have to fight with my desire to be liked, push through the discomfort, so I can hit “send” on that two-liner that I’ve been re-writing for forty minutes.

I have to repeatedly tell myself: Yes, they may get angry. But that’s OK. This needs to be said, and all I can do is say it in the best way I can.

And, to the credit of everyone I work with and our readers, it always turns out well. If someone does get angry, their response never shows it. But guess what? Even if they do, it doesn’t matter. Even if they don’t like me as much, it doesn’t matter.

All that matters is that I do my job to the best of my ability. I’m not in this job to be liked—be it by my boss, my colleagues, or our readers. I’m in this job to accomplish our mission of making people’s lives better.

Whether I’m liked in the process is beside the point. And I’d do well to remember that. For work and in life.

What do you think?

I don’t need to be offended. I don’t need to be right. And I don’t need to be liked by everyone. These three realisations have changed my life. What about you?

What realisations have changed your life?

Please hit “reply” or leave a comment—I read every response and I’d love to hear from you. If you want, share this with someone who changed your life.