I see myself as a pretty decent person. I care for my family and friends, help out when I can. I don’t gossip or throw people under the bus (figuratively and literally). I donate to charity, give directions to strangers. So it came as a shock when, months ago, my partner pointed out that I am often unkind.
When we’re with friends, he explained, I would have a laugh with the group at his expense. When meeting someone new, I would make fun of him to bond with the other person. When we’re alone, I’d ask for his opinion then do what I wanted all along.
I was appalled.
Because he was right.
The “unkindness” epidemic
“Unkind” in the Cambridge dictionary means “not treating someone very well; not considering someone’s feelings.”
It sounds harsh to describe someone as “unkind,” but I’d wager that most people are—like me, they just don’t know it.
We think that because we’re not wishing anyone harm, we’re not being unkind. But those are two different things. You can still treat someone badly and not consider their feelings even without malicious intent.
I don’t mean to put my partner down in front of our friends, but by making fun of him to ease my social anxiety in large groups, I’m being unkind. I don’t mean to disparage my partner in front of a new friend, but when I laugh at—not with—him with them, I’m being unkind. I don’t mean to belittle my partner’s opinions, but when I always discard them, I’m being unkind.
Every time you complain about—so-and-so is bloody incompetent—or make fun of someone—she has such a stupid laugh—you’re being unkind. Every time you put a person down in front of others—yeah, he’s not the brightest *wink*—you’re being unkind. Every time you ignore someone’s thoughts and feelings—I want to eat here, let’s go here—you’re being unkind.
“Unkindness” has become the norm. It’s become acceptable and widely practiced. It’s the invisible social grease and byproduct of a “me first” mentality. It’s everywhere, and no one’s getting called out on it.
Far easier said than done
When my partner called me out on my unkindness, I became more mindful of how I acted in social situations—stopping whenever I caught myself about to say an unkind word to ease my own discomfort, which was often.
After each gathering with friends, I’d ask my partner if I’d unintentionally put him down in front of them, and so far his answer has been no. As it turns out, it’s pretty easy—at least for me—to stop using unkindness as social grease and treat my partner better in front of others.
The “consider his opinions” front has, however, proved far more challenging. At first I thought I was doing well—after all, I’d been letting him choose movies to watch and places to eat at... more. But then this happened that showed me otherwise.
We were on our trip to Thailand and picking up some items at my parents’ house. My mom had cans of beer in the fridge that no one would drink, so she asked if we’d like to take a can or two to our hotel. My partner said he’d like that. But I thought, we’re at the end of our trip, we’re not going to have time to drink them then it’s going to be on me to carry the cans back to the house in a few days, and told my mom a firm “no.”
I thought that my partner wasn’t considering the consequences of his choice, that I knew better. But I was overreaching. If the man wanted a nice, cold beer to relax to at the hotel, who was I to deny him. By imposing my opinion under the guise of better judgement, I was being unkind.
Decades of putting myself first and making a point of not caring what anyone thinks, decades of passing an unkind comment behind someone’s back thinking it’s harmless fun—unkindness has seeped into my bones, become an inextricable part of me.
I wish I had a neat list of to-do’s that I—or you, or anyone—could follow to stem the tide of this unkindness epidemic, make the world a kinder place.
But I don’t. All I have is acceptance of my own unkindness, and a desire to do better by the people I love.
Maybe that’s all anyone can have.
What do you think?
Do you recognize unkindness in yourself? Can you accept it? Will you change? I’ve bared to you my unkind heart. Now it’s your turn:
How are you unkind?
Be honest: When have you ever treated someone badly or not considered their feelings? What are you going to do about it? Please hit “reply” or leave a comment—I read every response and I’d love to hear from you. If you want, share this with someone who has never been unkind to you.
Until next Friday… Stay thoughtful,
Val
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash