Things I want to hear
Say it if you mean it
I grew up in a family of actions and few words. Instead of “I love you’s,” my parents acted out their love: my father by working six days a week for decades to put food on the table; my mother by cooking, cleaning, keeping the house in order, and miraculously fixing every item I break.1
Growing up, I got my supply of “I love you’s” mostly from school friends. Later, from lovers. Now, in abundance from my partner. Each time he says it, my heart flutters and I feel all warm and glowy inside.
The other day, I was thinking how nice it is to hear my partner say “I love you,” and began wondering what other phrases I also like to hear, phrases that for whatever reason have been in short supply in my 30-plus years of life. And I came up with two more.
Brace yourself. You’re about to have a front-row seat in my self-therapy session.
Things I want to hear
1. “I love you”
If there were a contest in what phrase is most pleasant to the ears, “I love you” would beat the competition by miles. As phrases go, it’s pretty powerful. These three short words can make someone feel loved, which arguably is the nicest, most validating feeling of all.
Of the three phrases I’d like to hear, “I love you” is the one I’m hearing and saying the most. My partner and I—the soppy love birds that we are—say it liberally. I’d be watching my partner do the dishes, feel overcome with love for him, and an “I love you” would slip out. Apart from “Good morning,” “How’s your day?” and “Is there more coffee?”, “I love you” is the phrase that gets used most often in our vocabulary.
My relationship with “I love you” is more complicated when it comes to other people. For reasons that should probably be unpacked in a therapy session or ten, I find it difficult to say it to others (my parents included), and I have trouble believing it when I hear it. I wonder: are they just saying it because it’s something people say to friends and family, or do they genuinely love me? How can I know?
In the end, though, I still love hearing those three words. Even though I’m not always convinced, they still fill me with a warm glow and are a clear winner in my internal “things I want to hear” contest.
2. “I’m proud of you”
Recently, I posted about the memoir I’m writing on Instagram, and my aunt left the above comment. A sudden and unexpected gift, the comment invigorated me in a way I find difficult to describe in words.
I consider myself pretty accomplished: straight-A student, scholarship to study in the UK, first-class honours and summa cum laude, a corporate career where I went from earning peanuts to a lot in two hops, and now a dream job working for my favourite author.
And I’m intensely proud of myself, especially since I did the above while struggling with depression and recovering from a manic episode that landed me in a mental hospital for a month and a half.
I feel that this should be enough, that I’m proud of myself and know it. But it’s not. I’m still hungry to hear it from others, and each “I’m proud of you”—be it from friends or family—still surprises me, as if I couldn’t believe my achievements merit someone else being proud of me.
I find myself in this dilemma where I yearn to hear that others are proud of me yet find it difficult to believe when I do. But I still love to hear it, hence “I’m proud of you” comes second in my list.
3. “I’ve got your back”
“I love you” and “I’m proud of you” were easy discoveries. This third one took some digging around to find.
I think of myself as a pretty independent person. I had a highly sheltered childhood, but left Thailand for the UK on my own at the age of seventeen on a scholarship. This was a sudden and dramatic “time to grow up” experience, and as a result I developed a fierce independent streak—I don’t like to rely on others, jealously guard my personal space, make my life decisions unencumbered by the opinion of others.
But no matter how independent I’d like to be, I’ve always relied heavily on the support of others—partly because of my illness,2 but also because you simply won’t get far in life without people in your corner.
That job I got that doubled my salary because someone who used to see me around at my previous work thought I would be good for and recommended me, despite never sharing more than a couple of conversations. A former boss who earnestly suggested I start investing in mutual funds, which led to me having a more diversified portfolio and a much more secure financial future. Fellow writers I met through a workshop3 who ceaselessly encourage me and give me sage advice as I embark on my writer journey. My father who always picks me up in his car wherever and whenever I need to be picked up. My mother who effortlessly alternates between mother and best friend depending on what the situation calls for.
All my life, I’ve been blessed with numerous people who have had my back. Unlike the other two phrases, having “I’ve got your back” on this list is not so much a reflection of its absence from my life. Instead, it’s me recognising how this phrase acted out countless times has got me to the fortunate position I am presently in.
I do like hearing “I’ve got your back,” and it’s not a phrase I hear often. But a bit of self-scrutiny quickly reveals I don’t need to. People have got my back. And it’d be greedy of me to ask they say it too.
Say it if you mean it
I’m going to venture an unsubstantiated guess that you also like hearing the above three phrases. You’ll likely have different reasons from mine—and hopefully yours are riddled with fewer contradictions—but ultimately these things are just really nice to hear.
No matter who you are and where you are in life, it’s nice to hear that you’re loved, that someone is proud of you, that others have your back. While mulling on the idea for this post, I tried to come up with a list of cons, of downsides to hearing and saying these phrases too often. And I concluded that there are none.
These are phrases that are unequivocally good for anyone to hear, with an important caveat that the person who says it genuinely means it. Unlike some phrases I’m not such a fan of, we can always use more of “I love you”, “I’m proud of you”, and “I’ve got your back” in the world.
So don’t hold back. If you love your friend, tell them. If you’re proud of your child, make it explicit. Let your colleague know you’ve got their back. If you mean it, say it. Your words may not only make someone’s day—they may make their life, as many’s have made mine.
What do you think?
There you have it: three things I want to hear, plus a peek under my messy hood. What about you?
What do you want to hear?
What are phrases you wish to hear more of in your life? What words give you the wind beneath your wings? Send a reply, leave a comment, share this with someone you want to say those words to.
Until next Friday… Stay thoughtful,
Val
Photo by Michael Fenton on Unsplash
To be fair, this reticence goes both ways. I also find it extremely difficult to tell my parents I love them, so I don’t. Instead, I send love emojis and give them hugs at the airport.
During a particularly devastating depressive episode in London, two dear friends took me in for weeks, if not months, and basically kept me alive.