Things I won't say
Rewiring my brain one unsaid phrase at a time
I am a strong believer in the power of language. As a fluent speaker of three (Thai, English, French), I have first-hand experience of how each language—with its grammatical and vocabulary limitations—facilitates thought and self-expression.
Although Thai is my mother tongue, there are numerous topics like values, philosophy, and identity that I can only discuss in English—Thai doesn’t lend itself easily to abstract concepts. The French subjonctif mode—of which I’m a diehard fan—doesn’t have a counterpart in Thai or English.1
So when I began to take self-development seriously some years back, language was one of the aspects of my life I paid the most attention to. And I’ve learned—through my readings and lived experience—that there are phrases we commonly say that don’t necessarily do us good.
Things I won’t say
1. “I can’t”
The phrase I take issue with the most is “I can’t.” Because it implies that we have a lack of ability to do something, or that an external constraint has been placed upon us, when often we’re simply choosing not to do something.
“I can’t meet you for lunch,” in fact means, “I have other things I consider more important to do during lunch than to meet you.” This “more important thing” could be work at your desk, a team meeting, lunch with someone else, or simply some alone time. Unless you’re being physically bound to your work desk, locked in a room, incapacitated on a hospital bed—you get the picture—you can meet that person for lunch if you really want to. It’s a matter of choice, not of inability.
Saying “I can’t” do something or be somewhere is an easy way out. It’s us not taking responsibility for our choice not to do that thing or be that place. It’s lazy, and it disempowers us from owning our decisions.
2. “I need”
Another unconstructive phrase we hear, and probably use, very often is “I need.”
“I need this done by lunchtime.” “I need to see him.” “I need that new bag.”
Do you though? Do you need that project to be done by lunchtime? What happens if it’s not done? Will a lightning strike you dead on the spot? Will a worldwide catastrophe occur? You don’t need it to be done. You want it to be done, because you don’t want to suffer the consequences of it not being done.
To survive, we need very few things: oxygen, food, water, physical activity, sleep. To live a full life, we need some more things: financial security, fulfilling relationships, values, purpose. We don’t need a project done by lunchtime, or to see our ex one more time, or to buy that shiny new bag. These are all extraneous to living a good life. And if your good life requires these things, then that’s a red flag that you should rethink your values.
3. “I’ll try”
My third pet peeve is, “I’ll try.” Here, I subscribe to what the great philosopher Yoda once said:
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Why do we say we’ll “try” to do something or be somewhere, when really it’s a matter of doing it/being there or not doing it/being there? You can’t do and not do at the same time. You can’t be and not be at once.
Saying we’ll “try” seems to me a way to not fully commit. It’s tentative. It suggests uncertainty. It doesn’t promise a result. And I think saying it does us a disservice.
This is why it’s such a shame when someone says they’re an “aspiring” [insert your dream career]. There is no such thing as “aspiring”—you’re it or you’re not. You’re either an actor, or you’re not. You’re either a writer, or you’re not. You’re either a doctor, or you’re not. Saying you’re just aspiring to pursue your dream career is giving yourself a handicap even before you begin.
It’s not easy
For years now, I’ve had these three phrases in my bad book. Yet I still find myself saying some of them more often than I’d like to admit.
Sometimes, I say these things because it’s convention. We’ve become so used to these sentences that we expect to hear them in response to certain questions. We understand what they mean. They don’t shock us.
Imagine asking someone to lunch and instead of them saying “Sorry, I can’t make it,” they say, “Sorry, I have more important things to do than come to lunch with you.” Imagine how that would make you feel. What we’ve done is peel off the cushy “can’t” to reveal the cold hard truth underneath. Could you take it? Would you be offended?
We’re also used to saying these sentences without thinking. I’d be very surprised if you’ve never said “I need” for something you don’t actually need, or “I'll try” when you’re unsure if you’re capable of doing the thing in question.2
Although I'm fully aware I don't need that video edited by today EOD—the sun will still rise in the east and I’ll still have a job if I don’t have that edit tomorrow morning—I find it difficult not to tell my colleague that I “need” it, just to inject a sense of urgency and necessity. I still have to catch myself each time I’m about to say I’ll “try” something, and replace it with I’ll “do” it. And saying “I’ll do it” or “I’ll do my best”3 still makes me feel uneasy each time.
What do you think?
For years now, I’ve been trying to rewire my brain by not saying these three things. It’s an ongoing battle, but I’d like to think waging it has positively shaped how I see myself and the world, one unsaid phrase at a time.
Today’s question for you is simple:
What do you think?
Do you agree that these three phrases are holding us back from living a full life? Or do you think I’m kicking up a fuss out of nothing? Send a reply, leave a comment, share this with someone whose thought you’d like to hear.
Until next Friday… Stay thoughtful,
Val
Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash
I don’t think it does, but I’m no linguistics expert. Please correct me if I’m mistaken.
If you haven’t, I’d love to hear from you.
Which is a cop-out but still better than “I’ll try my best.”