What I don't like in you...
I also don't like in me.
The other day, I was talking (read: ranting) to my partner about how frustrated I get when I see people not take care of themselves. It’s none of my business, I said, but I can’t help it—a not-so-tiny voice inside my head goes: shame on them, why don’t they know better, don’t they realise how important it is to take good care of their body, how can they not see it, no wonder they’re doing so badly in other areas of their life as well if they can’t even be disciplined in this one thing…
As I got more and more animated in my tirade, my partner gently stopped me and asked in that quiet, yet firm way of his: “Isn’t that hypocritical?” You were exactly like the people you’re berating not more than two years ago.
I stopped. As is often the case, he’s right.
The Val of 1989-2019 also didn’t take care of herself. She barely exercised and led a sedentary lifestyle. She more often than not ate unhealthily. She drank sugary drinks and thought that tiny cake roll at Starbucks at 9pm couldn’t possibly make her fat because look it’s so light and fluffy! She also had zero idea she was doing all these things to herself that 2022 Val would consider absolutely unacceptable and deem unforgiveable in others.
What I don’t like about you…
If I’m honest, taking care of oneself isn’t the only cause for which I fly my hypocrite flag high.
Apart from not appreciating an unhealthy lifestyle in others, the following qualities also trigger an instant disdain when spotted:
Caring too much what others think
Being disorganised in one’s work life
Being a social media addict
Not being mindful/present
If I continue digging, I can probably unearth more qualities I dislike in others. But let’s stop here lest your disapproval of my ways prevents you from ever enjoying another word I write.1
And just like not keeping healthy, these four things against which I have a bias are exactly the things I don’t like in myself.
I value the relationships in my life so much that I often find it difficult not to care what others think, no matter how hard I strive to not give a fuck. I often won’t admit—or even show—it, but the worry is sometimes so intense as to be crippling.
Whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed with work, I endlessly admonish myself for not being more organised, for not prioritising properly, for not allocating the right time to the right task, and ultimately (drama queen alert) for being worthless.
More often than not, you’ll catch me feeling bad about myself for not pursuing the hobbies I’ve chosen for myself—reading, playing chess, café hopping—and instead wasting countless hours straining my eyes on my Facebook and Instagram feeds.
I am my harshest critic when I feel I’m not being mindful enough, when I’m not fully present with the task at hand or the people in front of me, when I’m filling my head with thoughts and worries as opposed to clearing it through meditation.
Why is it that all these qualities I dislike about myself immediately put me off people who share them? Why do I react with disapproval, not empathy?
The short answer is: I don’t know. There is probably some pithy Internet quote sharing deep wisdom regarding this unsavoury phenomenon, some psychological principle explaining this mindboggling conundrum.2 I’m vaguely curious as to what answers can be found, but “why” isn’t the most pressing question I’m asking myself at the minute.
No. Now that I’m aware of this tendency in myself, the question I want to answer isn’t “Why this is?”, but “How can I combat it?”
What to do?
I am no expert, but I’d like to think being aware is half the battle won. If you’d asked me a few weeks back, I would have had difficulty articulating most of what I’d just written above. I knew I could get extremely judgmental of others in certain ways, but I wouldn’t have been able to pinpoint what exactly I was judging others on, never mind link it back to my own shortcomings.
Now that I’m aware of the many ways in which I’m being a hypocrite, I want to start practicing more empathy. Instead of immediately judging others and putting them in my bad book, I can remind myself of how I am just like them and hopefully replace the distaste with understanding and empathy.
My partner also suggested approaching the issue with curiosity. Instead of condemning people for their ways, instead be curious: Why is it that they exhibit those qualities? What caused them to be that way? What conflicts do they experience? What is their understanding of the situation?
These are just some of the questions I can ask in place of immediate judgment (bad Val), questions that will hopefully combat my biases and un-school me in my hypocritical ways.
What do you think?
I’d like to think I’m not alone in having these thoughts, that you also occasionally raise your hypocrite flag high for certain issues close to your heart. So I’m tempted to ask you to share all the things you dislike in others that you also dislike in yourself. But I’m also aware that may not be something you want to do in a public forum, so I should find a more public-proof question for you to answer. But then again, the whole point of this newsletter is to make you think and ask the hard questions, so:
What qualities do you dislike in others that you also don’t like in yourself?
There, I’ve asked it. I hope that wasn’t too much to ask and I’m genuinely curious to hear your answers. Also, if you have any other thoughts on this topic or just want to express how much you disapprove of me, I am only a few keyboard taps away. Send a reply, leave a comment, share this with someone whose thought you’d like to hear.
Until next Friday… Stay thoughtful,
Val
Photo by Andre Mouton on Unsplash
A good friend did caution that admitting my uber judgmental side to an email list full of strangers may not be the smartest idea, but I went with it anyways because I think I make a good case study from which we can—as is always my hope—all draw something.
If you happen to know, I’m all ears.
Another way to view this: the things that bother you about other people are probably things you hate about yourself.
Like how I roll my eyes and grumble at a coworker for being a perfectionist and trying to find the root of an issue even if it’s time-consuming...because I am that same person.
The awareness is the first step toward being less of a jerk to other people, but I haven’t figured out how to turn that on myself yet.