That definitely does invite some introspection. I also wonder whether feel the need to finish with a social nicety at the end of a coffee meet up or other gathering. I agree, don't offer empty promises.
Thank you Mich for sharing your reaction! Interestingly in the one month since posting this newsletter, I've relaxed my stance a bit as last week I found myself saying I'm a "liar" for not getting back to a friend about meeting up and the phrasing to me felt unjustified. And so now I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh on myself and others in expecting all promises to be honoured!
At the end of the day, perhaps it comes down to a need to be more precise with our language. Saying, “I would enjoy seeing you soon” versus “I will call you” if you don’t have a specific time in mind to meet. Or, better yet, choose a date and time to meet right then.
Also depends what the issue is! Coffee is one thing but when the issue involves other folks time and/or space, then it’s reasonable to be annoyed! Oh yes! I’m unclear myself when this point is on the edge of a relationship both personal & professional… what you think?
For me it's always on a case by case basis based on both the promise and the person! The breaking point is when I can't trust the person anymore to deliver on promises big and small. And very few cross that line.
I like your empathetic Hanlon's Razor (still working on that empathy... as you know! 😉). But I still think the world would be a better place if everyone took their own words seriously and our default mode is "I can always trust you" rather than "You will never follow through."
#1. “Let’s have coffee!” Nyc Mantra. Rest assured it will never happen. If it does, it’s by another chance meeting.
#2. A message or rebuke no matter how well intended, will not likely win you a friend. A puzzled look at best. I’m still trying to work this one out here in Vietnam… you are right to raise the issue but I’m pretty sure it’s a complicated cultural issue & still a work in-progress on this corner of our wee planet!
#1 Interesting and I didn't know this! I can't say I'm surprised that's a mantra in such a busy place where you might be bumping into people all the time. Do you ever get someone who actually follows through?
#2 I wonder though if you want to be friends with someone who makes promises lightly. If someone gets offended at this trait of theirs being pointed out, I'd want to keep them at arm's length because I wouldn't ever know what I can trust them with.
Guess it depends who says it. You likely know them and the context and can make a pretty quick evaluation. I just let go without a thought if it’s someone I barely know. Or I stop and say hey, let’s actually make a plan… but it’s not one to loose a friendship over.
But here, I think it’s another matter. I’ll share my very recent experience with this. It’s still playing out!
That definitely does invite some introspection. I also wonder whether feel the need to finish with a social nicety at the end of a coffee meet up or other gathering. I agree, don't offer empty promises.
Thank you Mich for sharing your reaction! Interestingly in the one month since posting this newsletter, I've relaxed my stance a bit as last week I found myself saying I'm a "liar" for not getting back to a friend about meeting up and the phrasing to me felt unjustified. And so now I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh on myself and others in expecting all promises to be honoured!
At the end of the day, perhaps it comes down to a need to be more precise with our language. Saying, “I would enjoy seeing you soon” versus “I will call you” if you don’t have a specific time in mind to meet. Or, better yet, choose a date and time to meet right then.
Yes I love that! "I'd love to see you soon" conveys the desire while not making a false promise.
Also depends what the issue is! Coffee is one thing but when the issue involves other folks time and/or space, then it’s reasonable to be annoyed! Oh yes! I’m unclear myself when this point is on the edge of a relationship both personal & professional… what you think?
For me it's always on a case by case basis based on both the promise and the person! The breaking point is when I can't trust the person anymore to deliver on promises big and small. And very few cross that line.
Interesting take! Also quite black and white.
In situations like this, I always err on the slightly more empathetic take on Hanlon's Razor:
"Never attribute to malice what may be the result of unseen struggles, exhaustion or personal hardship."
I like your empathetic Hanlon's Razor (still working on that empathy... as you know! 😉). But I still think the world would be a better place if everyone took their own words seriously and our default mode is "I can always trust you" rather than "You will never follow through."
2 things:
#1. “Let’s have coffee!” Nyc Mantra. Rest assured it will never happen. If it does, it’s by another chance meeting.
#2. A message or rebuke no matter how well intended, will not likely win you a friend. A puzzled look at best. I’m still trying to work this one out here in Vietnam… you are right to raise the issue but I’m pretty sure it’s a complicated cultural issue & still a work in-progress on this corner of our wee planet!
#1 Interesting and I didn't know this! I can't say I'm surprised that's a mantra in such a busy place where you might be bumping into people all the time. Do you ever get someone who actually follows through?
#2 I wonder though if you want to be friends with someone who makes promises lightly. If someone gets offended at this trait of theirs being pointed out, I'd want to keep them at arm's length because I wouldn't ever know what I can trust them with.
Guess it depends who says it. You likely know them and the context and can make a pretty quick evaluation. I just let go without a thought if it’s someone I barely know. Or I stop and say hey, let’s actually make a plan… but it’s not one to loose a friendship over.
But here, I think it’s another matter. I’ll share my very recent experience with this. It’s still playing out!
Can't wait to hear!