Both my grandma (stroke almost 10 years ago, increasingly doesn't recognize anyone or know what's going on) and uncle (passed due to cancer, went through a horrific last 10 months of chemo, Chron's disesase, weight loss, etc.) have been people whose experience have asked this question: How should we be with loved ones who are suffering?
The honest answer is I have no idea. I have wrestled with the questions you put forward, and where I've landed is there is a balance between what they need and what you need that is specific to the context and people involved. It depends.
The only thing I know with absolute certainty is that a grand total of 0 people on this planet get to judge or tell you what is 'right'. Nobody is qualified to do that for you, and I applaud you (and send you a giant hug) for being the person to wrestle with this and for sharing it here. The world needs more of that honesty and vulnerability, and I am better for having read it.
Danny. 🥹 Thank you for your kind words. It's a struggle to find that balance between what they need and what I need indeed, because none of the things we need overlap. And more than that, what they need hurts me and what I need hurts them.
The reality is the majority of the time we spend in our lives with our parents has passed by the time we're adults. It can feel depressing, but also motivating to make the most of the time we have left with them - even if it's limited.
Yup, I was sent (I believe by a reader) the post where he visualises our time with parents. It does paint a pretty depressing picture in terms of how little time we have left with them by the time we're adults, but as you say it's a good motivator to spend that limited time we'll!
Hi I am only answering the question because you asked it…
What’s the principle here? With your decision? Self preservation? I might try a different principle: care for those who need you, especially if it’s temporary.
I would go back. Guilt is a data point.
If it were you in your dad’s spot, how would you feel? What if you traded places with your dad? Would you want your adult kid close by? I’d try that thought experiment.
Hi Sadia! Thank you for responding and especially for offering a different perspective.
It's certainly a thought experiment I've considered and if I were my dad I would have done things very differently. I would pay a professional nurse to care for me at home, or check myself into a medical establishment. I would consider myself ultimately responsible for my care, and would not expect it to become my family's unpaid full-time job. I would of course love to see my adult children, but not at the expense of their mental well-being. This is where I stand. Of course if such an experience ever happens to me, I may well change my stance. You never know how you're going to feel or think.
Thank you again for responding. Your opinion is heard and appreciated.
Beautiful piece, Val.
Both my grandma (stroke almost 10 years ago, increasingly doesn't recognize anyone or know what's going on) and uncle (passed due to cancer, went through a horrific last 10 months of chemo, Chron's disesase, weight loss, etc.) have been people whose experience have asked this question: How should we be with loved ones who are suffering?
The honest answer is I have no idea. I have wrestled with the questions you put forward, and where I've landed is there is a balance between what they need and what you need that is specific to the context and people involved. It depends.
The only thing I know with absolute certainty is that a grand total of 0 people on this planet get to judge or tell you what is 'right'. Nobody is qualified to do that for you, and I applaud you (and send you a giant hug) for being the person to wrestle with this and for sharing it here. The world needs more of that honesty and vulnerability, and I am better for having read it.
Danny. 🥹 Thank you for your kind words. It's a struggle to find that balance between what they need and what I need indeed, because none of the things we need overlap. And more than that, what they need hurts me and what I need hurts them.
I imagine you've seen this post by Tim Urban - https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/05/life-weeks.html
The reality is the majority of the time we spend in our lives with our parents has passed by the time we're adults. It can feel depressing, but also motivating to make the most of the time we have left with them - even if it's limited.
Yup, I was sent (I believe by a reader) the post where he visualises our time with parents. It does paint a pretty depressing picture in terms of how little time we have left with them by the time we're adults, but as you say it's a good motivator to spend that limited time we'll!
Hi I am only answering the question because you asked it…
What’s the principle here? With your decision? Self preservation? I might try a different principle: care for those who need you, especially if it’s temporary.
I would go back. Guilt is a data point.
If it were you in your dad’s spot, how would you feel? What if you traded places with your dad? Would you want your adult kid close by? I’d try that thought experiment.
I wish you and your family well.
Hi Sadia! Thank you for responding and especially for offering a different perspective.
It's certainly a thought experiment I've considered and if I were my dad I would have done things very differently. I would pay a professional nurse to care for me at home, or check myself into a medical establishment. I would consider myself ultimately responsible for my care, and would not expect it to become my family's unpaid full-time job. I would of course love to see my adult children, but not at the expense of their mental well-being. This is where I stand. Of course if such an experience ever happens to me, I may well change my stance. You never know how you're going to feel or think.
Thank you again for responding. Your opinion is heard and appreciated.