Today’s newsletter is a guest essay by my former MarkManson.net colleague, current Senior Learning Designer at McChrystal Group, and dear friend Danny Kenny, who shares his wisdom regularly on LinkedIn. I hope you enjoy his thought-provoking piece as much as I do:
There is a curious thing that happens a lot where I work.
In a meeting, on a conference call, or during a presentation, you hear a lot of variations of “yes, and.” Sometimes it’s “that’s right and...” or “I agree and...” or “what a truly fantastic, marvellous, earthshaking idea Danny, and...” (if I’m honest, still waiting to hear that last one).
Discussions at work are about hearing—genuinely hearing—someone’s ideas. Then each member of the team looks for the strongest version of that idea first, before contributing his or her own value to find the best solution. The team doesn’t reach mere agreement; they collaborate, enhance, and expand with “and.”
It makes it an incredible place to work.
Amidst all that conversation, what is conspicuously absent is the common, tiny, dangerous word “but.” And that makes a ton of difference.
What a “But” Does
There is a funny thing about the human mind that happens when we hear the word “but.”
Let’s say I might be talking about my delightful former coworker and ongoing friend, Val, singing my clever colleague’s praises:
“Val is such a clever, wonderful, thoughtful human being and I have never met anyone with her attention to detail and compassion for others...”
“...but...”
Now, it doesn’t matter what happens after the “but.” For every single one of you reading, I feel pretty confident saying that whatever your mind filled that gap with, what I have to say about Val next isn’t going to be good.
Which
A) isn’t particularly nice.
And B) means everything I said before the “but” is meaningless.
It negates all of those compliments that came before. The first half of that sentence essentially no longer exists.1
When you hear “but” in a sentence, your brain pays special attention to what comes after it. It signals that there’s going to be a change in the direction of the thought. “But” signals a contrast is approaching, driver be wary.
However, the dangerous part of that signal is that it often means you, at a minimum, question whether the first part of the sentence was accurate.
At worst, you ignore it completely.
This might seem like just a crazy trick of grammar. So I’d ask you to think of the people in your life who use “Yes, but” in all of their responses, at a work meeting or in a personal conversation about the state of world affairs.
Gross, right?
It’s pretend agreement.
It’s contrived accord.
It’s false, fake, infuriating harmony.
It is a lie.
“Yes, but” = “let me act like I agree with the obviously stupid thing you just said before I tell you the many, myriad ways in which you are wrong.”
Using “but” invalidates the feelings or perceptions of the person you are speaking to, leading to defensiveness and ultimately, a breakdown in communication. While that might seem extreme, to be on the consistent receiving end of “yes, but” is to consistently feel like you’re not actually being listened to.
And that, quite frankly, sucks.
The Power of “Yes, And”
Fortunately, it’s not all gloom and doom. There is a hero to this story.
In contrast to “but,” “yes and” carries with it the power to build understanding, connection, and collaboration.
The very phrase “Yes And” originally stems from an improv exercise designed to promote fluid storytelling. From places like Saturday Night Live, The Second City, or the Upright Citizens Brigade, the “yes, and” principle is a core tenet and practice of the worldbuilding that occurs and the collaboration that’s required from the actors and comedians involved. It’s about accepting and building upon an idea or suggestion without shutting it down.
Using “yes, and” fosters a collaborative environment where creativity thrives because participants are first open to each other’s ideas and then actively seek to build upon them and make them better.
“Yes, and” promotes one of the ideas that I believe to be most most powerful in this world, the idea of 1+1=3.
You have a perspective.
I have a perspective.
Neither of us is fully right.
Neither of us is fully wrong.
And together, we can take the best of both, minimise the worst, and end up with something far better than we could have come up with alone. How cool is that?
A Need for Nuance
The mindset and practice of “yes, and” also comes at a time where we desperately need to be finding shared understanding first, before we can build better solutions as opposed to pointing out all the ways in which someone else is wrong.
Here, we’re actually learning to fight against our own human wiring.
Research consistently shows that the brain prefers clear, unambiguous answers. From Shermer’s exploration in The Believing Brain to Kahneman’s insights in Thinking, Fast and Slow, it’s evident that our minds are drawn to easy conclusions, often bypassing the nuanced complexities of issues.
However, now, more than ever, there is a need for nuance. Nuance that arises from the humility to entertain more thoughts than your own, to hold onto your ideas and your opinions just a little bit more loosely, to not be so wrapped up in your perspective that you forget there are 7 billion other people around.
If a sign of intelligence is to hold contrasting ideas at once, acknowledging that the stranger across from you has some slice of the truth that you don’t have access to is a pretty good starting point.
And you know what helps to add shades of grey to a world we so desperately want to be black and white?
More “yes, and.”
No But’s
The word “but” often functions as a roadblock to finding shared understanding, meaningful agreement, and a healthier connection to any of your conversation partners—be they professional, friendly, or romantic. “But” negates or diminishes everything preceding it. “But” pushes us back into the comfort zone of black-and-white thinking.
The world (and you) need less of that.
The world (and you) need more shades of grey.
By substituting “but” with “and,” you open doors to perspectives that may have been previously overlooked to find better knowledge and better answers. At a minimum, you create a pathway to an improved relationship because to say “yes, and” means you actually have to take the time to listen.
So to you, dear readers of Val Thinks, I lay down this challenge:
This week, engage in a conversation and consciously apply the “yes, and” principle.
Notice the depth it adds to your discussions and the bridges it builds with others. Share your experiences in the comments and let’s champion a world with more and’s and less but’s.
To read more from me, I publish every Wednesday on LinkedIn. Sometimes it’s about my job of learning design, sometimes it’s about finding your purpose, sometimes it’s about finding your struggle. All of it has to do with how humans are wired and the strategies and tactics we use to live a better life.
What do you think?
And that was Danny! Thank you Danny for crafting this beautiful essay for readers of Val Thinks. Let’s all take his challenge to heart and say “yes, and” more often in our lives—professional and personal:
How can you use “Yes, and” more in your life?
Challenge yourself to come up with scenarios where “yes, and” will enrich your life and deepen your connections. Please hit “reply” or leave a comment—I read every response and I’d love to hear from you. If you want, share this with someone who’ll say, “yes, and I’m curious to hear your thoughts as well.”
Last but not least, follow Danny on LinkedIn if you’d like to hear from him every Wednesday. There’s more where this came from!
Until next Friday… Stay thoughtful,
Val
Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
To be clear, Val is a clever, wonderful, thoughtful human being and I have never met anyone with her attention to detail and compassion for others. Full stop.