I'd rather lose my mind...

Than be trapped inside my body

Last year I went through a bit of a memoir binge, and over a few short months read the excellent When Breath Becomes Air and Brain on Fire which respectively chronicled illnesses of the body and—at risk of simplifying our complex brain—the mind. Reading these illuminating memoirs got me thinking about the subject, and it was from then a short hop to asking myself: If I had to choose, would I rather lose my mind or my body?

Would I choose to lose myself while retaining perfect bodily functions, or would I choose to be me in a body that can’t respond?

The answer, to me, was simple: I’d lose my mind any day. Here’s why.

A mind without a body

I find the prospect of retaining a mind without a body to serve it absolutely terrifying.

Imagine having the same clarity of thought that you do now, the same feelings and desires, the same loves and hates—but not being able to do anything with them. Imagine spending the rest of your life in bed, unable to go for a pee, feeding via a tube, unable to communicate with anyone—existing solely in the invisible prison of your mind.

This is a scenario I want to avoid at any cost, and wouldn’t wish on anyone. If I ever lost control over my body in this way, I’d rather die than suffer a lifetime of subsistence.¹

Obviously, there are varying degrees of what I’m going to call “bodily loss.” Can you see, smell, hear, wiggle your toe, blink your eye? I’m talking here about the total paralysis variety, the kind where you can maybe see but can’t respond beyond perhaps blinking once versus twice.

Not only will it pain me to “live” this life, but such crippling bodily loss would also place a substantial burden on others to keep me alive. I can’t begin to imagine how much it would cost to have me cared for 24/7 for years, if not decades—that’s something no amount of insurance would cover.

Yes, I wouldn’t want to lose my body for the simple selfish reason that I don’t want to be trapped with my uncompromising mind. But there’s also a consideration for others here: I’d become a heavy financial burden for life.

A body without a mind

But wouldn’t you also become a burden if you lost your mind, you ask? Wouldn’t you enter a similarly crippled state where you’re no longer able to maintain a livelihood, take care of yourself?

Perhaps. But I’m hoping that because I am no longer myself, the people who end up with the burden of caring for me will not hesitate to place me in some sort of lower-cost care option. Because it won’t be me they’ll be putting into a home, just a shell of a person who looks like but doesn’t walk or talk like me.

If I’m being honest, though, my reason for preferring to lose my mind over my body is primarily selfish—it is because I won’t suffer, or at least won’t be conscious of my suffering. The care/burden reason is secondary.

If I no longer retain my mind, then there will be no “me.” I will effectively be dead. And death is the most effective ending of suffering (for the person who’s dead).² Being trapped inside my mind means suffering for the rest of my life, while losing it ends all suffering.

So, to me, it’s an easy choice.

What do you think?

How about you? Indulge me and join my little thought experiment:

Would you rather lose your mind or your body?

Send a reply, leave a comment, share this with someone who you’d want to retain both mind and body for decades to come.

Until next Friday… Stay thoughtful,

Val

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Photo by Nijwam Swargiary on Unsplash

1. Family and friends, please take note.

2. I don’t believe in the afterlife. And at the moment I’d rather death be the End. But my feelings may change when I lose the people currently dearest to me. Maybe then I’ll want an afterlife where we can reunite and be together until the end of time.