Do we seek love?
Or is it connection?
Whatever my qualms about mood tracking, I’ve been using a mood tracking/journaling app now for the best part of a year. And it’s helped me be more precise when naming the emotion I’m feeling at any given moment.
When I first set up my app, I was asked to list out the emotions I typically feel. And, strangely, for someone who’s always set great store by relationships, “loved” was not on my list.
Instead, I found myself putting “connected” in the spot where “loved” might have been. I thought of how I felt when I’d shared a particularly loving evening with my partner, and the word that came most strongly to mind was “connected.” This was also how I felt when I’d had intimate and engaging dinners with my closest friends. And, more recently, when corresponding with the designer working on our website redesign.
What is it to be loved?
I wrote not long ago that “I love you” is the phrase most of us yearn to hear—be it from parents, lovers, friends, children. And my opinion hasn’t changed. I think it’s a wonderful feeling to be loved. I cherish it deeply. But I don’t think it’s necessarily what, deep down, we seek.
What does it mean to say we feel loved by someone? The answer probably differs from person to person. At risk of presuming too much, I’m going to venture that feeling loved translates to feeling seen, appreciated, connected. There may be a romantic element—that’s the context in which we use the word “loved” most often—but it’s not a prerequisite. We can feel seen, appreciated, connected with a parent, a friend, a child without romance ever entering the picture.
I consider all three components—seen, appreciated, connected—essential for someone to feel loved. You cannot feel loved if one or more is missing. But if you ask me what I truly crave when I say I long for love, the answer is connection. Of the three, it’s the hardest to come by for me and therefore the most rewarding.
It’s easy to feel seen or appreciated—a kind word, a warm embrace, a well-placed emoji in an email. It’s much more difficult to feel connected, to feel a kinship with someone, to feel that they get you at the levels that matter.
So, even though I’ve spent the larger part of my life chasing love, recently I’ve come to realise that what I seek isn’t love, but connection. I seek to be connected with my parents, my partner, my friends. And that’s why “connected,” not “loved” is the emotion I’ve chosen for my app.
Connection beyond love
Another reason I prefer thinking of what I seek as connection rather than love is its more inclusive nature. “Love” is a term heavy with connotations and expectations. It’s easy to say I love my parents, my partner, my closest friends. But do I love my boss? My personal trainer? The security guard at my apartment?
I find the term “love” limiting. We are so used to seeing it in certain contexts—parental, romantic, platonic—that it looks out of place and almost seems inappropriate when applied to other domains of life. Imagine saying “I love you” to a colleague the same way you say it to a friend—I bet a small part of you is wondering whether that would be professionally appropriate.
But feeling connected with someone has neither the weight of connotations nor expectations. I can feel connected with a colleague—and in fact I often do—as easily as with a friend. That feeling of kinship, that they get you, that you’re in the same boat can arise with almost anyone.
The other day, our designer said something in her email that showed she really got where I was coming from and appreciated what I was doing. Reading those few words in her email, I felt a strong sense of connection with her. I don’t love our designer, and she most likely doesn’t love me. But I feel rewarded and fulfilled by the connection regardless. The picture looks perfectly fine without love in it.
What do you think?
Since receiving that email from our designer, I’ve been asking myself whether what I seek is love or connection. You’ve read my conclusions above. Now it’s your turn to ask yourself:
Do you seek love or connection?
Send a reply, leave a comment, share this with someone you want to be connected with.
Until next Friday… Stay thoughtful,
Val