Starting and maintaining friendships really is miraculous! Especially as we go through different stages in life. Last year, I moved back home to a city where I had a ton of friends. I assumed I'd be able to pick back up where I left off, but that wasn't the case, especially now that I was a mom. I try to remind myself that everything in life has seasons—even friendships—but it's hard!
Were you able to connect with new people in the city in the end? I've been lucky in that regard, stumbling across new people I can connect with. When I moved back to Thailand after studying abroad for 7 years, I also didn't continue where I left off with a lot of my school friends. There was a lot of internal conflict about how much effort I wanted to invest and whether it would pay off. I've thankfully reconnected with a small number, and though it's not where we left off, I look at these re-connections as new friendships, getting to know them anew.
Yes! We’re lucky to have great neighbors and have made friends with a lot of parents with similar aged kiddos in our neighborhood. It’s different, but nice!
I'm happy you found a good friend after moving to a new country. It's difficult and your efforts will be what I reference to in my mind to keep trying.
I think intention is so important but other factors like availability, stage of life, and similar life experiences plays a part in it too.
Part of why friendship is an area of my life I want to pursuit as well was mainly due to watching too much anime and wanting that Nakama feels.
And a gift and curse I have is to see the potential in the friendship but it doesn't reciprocate due to the many factors above.
Just like you mentioned in "defriending" it's causes so much anxiety when your wants and efforts doesn't turn into anything meaningful. And in terms of keeping a friend, knowing where you are in life is important. I found that sharing other areas in life where I found joy such as finding purpose in life career and finding love, could cause friction to my friends who doesn't have those yet.
So finding new people that can match those life circumstances could be better. Not hurting ourselves or others along the way.
And I think it's also about self-acceptance of our own expectations. My overly high optimism in friendships and finding the good in people led me to pain. But it also led me to realize, I only needed one best friend who is also my life partner. But still, keeping an energy or signal out for the opportunity to connect is something I always do.
Very true that matching life circumstances can be a factor, though I think it's also possible to connect at a deeper level with people in vastly different life circumstances. I guess it depends on if there are other compatibilities/shared values. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Thomi!
Hi Val, is it too late to leave the comment on this? 😅 Thank you for sharing this! I need to re-read the Defriending again. I agree that the friendship is miraculous. I have one to share because it’s end already. The other current friendships are still miraculous for me. But the one I’m going to share, it was end almost three years already. If you can recall my best friend T, I’ve shared with you before how we’re closed and connected. Yes, it was ended after 14 almost 15 years. I can say that I absolutely lost my self-esteem. I don’t know what on his mind that makes our friendship end up like this. I have never tried to get back the friendship as well, because I just want to respect his decision. I cannot say that I remember only the good parts we spent together because the scar of heartbreaking is existing on my heart.
I admire you that you can make new friends and live your life so good(from my point of view). But for me, I’m scared of making a new friend. I loose my confident.
I just try to make myself better in everyday. I’m trying to make myself busy with my current friends(since high-school). And I’m trying to spend my time to improve my health. And my health is a key now that makes me feel better than the past 3 years.
I have a question back to you, pardon me if you have written something about this already. Have you ever lost control or confident by others? What does it look like? How is your feeling? How do you deal with it?
It's not too late to comment on this! Or on any post for that matter. :) I always want to hear your thoughts. Sorry to hear about the ending of your friendship. It's tough and not a nice thing to have to live through, but inevitable for all of us I think. Yes, I've lost confidence in myself in the past because of others. But I didn't lose it completely. I just started doubting my value and wondering why this person didn't want to be my friend. I felt down every time I saw them on social media. So one day I decided to stop following them so I wouldn't see their content (I didn't unfriend them. I don't believe in that.) And gradually, because I didn't see them and wasn't reminded of the end of that relationship, I started to feel better about myself and was able to accept that the ending of the friendship is not a reflection of any defect in my character. People change and grow apart. I can't control what anyone else does. As soon as I realised that, it became easier to accept when friendships end and to let it go without having it impact my self-confidence. I think your strategy to focus on something else is a great one, especially health because it's so important. Another thing you can try for making new friends is to approach others (potential new friends) not with the intention of becoming friends with them, but with the goal of learning more about them. Be curious in others and build your connections based on that. Friendships will then be a byproduct.
Starting and maintaining friendships really is miraculous! Especially as we go through different stages in life. Last year, I moved back home to a city where I had a ton of friends. I assumed I'd be able to pick back up where I left off, but that wasn't the case, especially now that I was a mom. I try to remind myself that everything in life has seasons—even friendships—but it's hard!
Were you able to connect with new people in the city in the end? I've been lucky in that regard, stumbling across new people I can connect with. When I moved back to Thailand after studying abroad for 7 years, I also didn't continue where I left off with a lot of my school friends. There was a lot of internal conflict about how much effort I wanted to invest and whether it would pay off. I've thankfully reconnected with a small number, and though it's not where we left off, I look at these re-connections as new friendships, getting to know them anew.
Yes! We’re lucky to have great neighbors and have made friends with a lot of parents with similar aged kiddos in our neighborhood. It’s different, but nice!
And I love the idea of looking at reconnections as friendships anew. I’ll have to do that!
I find it takes away a lot of the expectations that would have weighed the relationship down! I hope it works for you too. :)
I'm happy you found a good friend after moving to a new country. It's difficult and your efforts will be what I reference to in my mind to keep trying.
I think intention is so important but other factors like availability, stage of life, and similar life experiences plays a part in it too.
Part of why friendship is an area of my life I want to pursuit as well was mainly due to watching too much anime and wanting that Nakama feels.
And a gift and curse I have is to see the potential in the friendship but it doesn't reciprocate due to the many factors above.
Just like you mentioned in "defriending" it's causes so much anxiety when your wants and efforts doesn't turn into anything meaningful. And in terms of keeping a friend, knowing where you are in life is important. I found that sharing other areas in life where I found joy such as finding purpose in life career and finding love, could cause friction to my friends who doesn't have those yet.
So finding new people that can match those life circumstances could be better. Not hurting ourselves or others along the way.
And I think it's also about self-acceptance of our own expectations. My overly high optimism in friendships and finding the good in people led me to pain. But it also led me to realize, I only needed one best friend who is also my life partner. But still, keeping an energy or signal out for the opportunity to connect is something I always do.
Very true that matching life circumstances can be a factor, though I think it's also possible to connect at a deeper level with people in vastly different life circumstances. I guess it depends on if there are other compatibilities/shared values. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Thomi!
Hi Val, is it too late to leave the comment on this? 😅 Thank you for sharing this! I need to re-read the Defriending again. I agree that the friendship is miraculous. I have one to share because it’s end already. The other current friendships are still miraculous for me. But the one I’m going to share, it was end almost three years already. If you can recall my best friend T, I’ve shared with you before how we’re closed and connected. Yes, it was ended after 14 almost 15 years. I can say that I absolutely lost my self-esteem. I don’t know what on his mind that makes our friendship end up like this. I have never tried to get back the friendship as well, because I just want to respect his decision. I cannot say that I remember only the good parts we spent together because the scar of heartbreaking is existing on my heart.
I admire you that you can make new friends and live your life so good(from my point of view). But for me, I’m scared of making a new friend. I loose my confident.
I just try to make myself better in everyday. I’m trying to make myself busy with my current friends(since high-school). And I’m trying to spend my time to improve my health. And my health is a key now that makes me feel better than the past 3 years.
I have a question back to you, pardon me if you have written something about this already. Have you ever lost control or confident by others? What does it look like? How is your feeling? How do you deal with it?
Thank you
P
It's not too late to comment on this! Or on any post for that matter. :) I always want to hear your thoughts. Sorry to hear about the ending of your friendship. It's tough and not a nice thing to have to live through, but inevitable for all of us I think. Yes, I've lost confidence in myself in the past because of others. But I didn't lose it completely. I just started doubting my value and wondering why this person didn't want to be my friend. I felt down every time I saw them on social media. So one day I decided to stop following them so I wouldn't see their content (I didn't unfriend them. I don't believe in that.) And gradually, because I didn't see them and wasn't reminded of the end of that relationship, I started to feel better about myself and was able to accept that the ending of the friendship is not a reflection of any defect in my character. People change and grow apart. I can't control what anyone else does. As soon as I realised that, it became easier to accept when friendships end and to let it go without having it impact my self-confidence. I think your strategy to focus on something else is a great one, especially health because it's so important. Another thing you can try for making new friends is to approach others (potential new friends) not with the intention of becoming friends with them, but with the goal of learning more about them. Be curious in others and build your connections based on that. Friendships will then be a byproduct.