“I can’t live without you”
Destroyer of relationships
I can’t live without you is the worst thing you can say to someone you love.
Your partner/parent/child/friend/dog may love to hear it. It’s flattering, romantic even. But it’s the last thing you want to say to, and hear from, someone you love.
Here’s why.
“I can’t live without you”
The internet abounds with puppy-adorned images of this quote and its many variations: “I can’t imagine life without you,” “You’re the one I can’t live without,” “I am nothing without you,” “I’d rather be nowhere with you than somewhere without you”... you get the idea.
But let’s pause for a second: What does it say about you that you can’t live without your partner/parent/child/friend/dog?
You are scared of being, and dying, alone.
You rely on your partner/parent/child/friend/dog to fix your problems.
Your happiness is conditional on your partner/parent/child/friend/dog loving you.
Your existence is predicated on another, your survival their responsibility.
Again, you get the idea.
I see no scenario in which a relationship of “I can’t live without you” flourishes. The very belief that you can’t live without someone guarantees co-dependency and, ultimately, toxicity.
Yet, every second of every day, dreamy-eyed lovers everywhere whisper this in each other’s ear, believing the pronouncement irrefutable proof of their envied and eternal love.
A healthier basis for relationships
A healthy relationship is a coming together of two individuals who are just fine on their own, yet choose to be with each other because, together, they are more than the sum of their parts.
In other words, a relationship should be based on want, not necessity.
Meeting my partner of seven years is the most wonderful thing that has happened to me. But I do not need him.
If we break up tomorrow, it will be crushing. But I will survive. Because I have a life outside of our relationship. It will suck for a while, but eventually I will be fine. And so will he.
My boss has a saying which I’m going to butcher (sorry Mark), “Love should be unconditional, but a relationship always conditional.”
You should love your partner/parent/child/friend/dog unconditionally, i.e. expecting nothing in return, but no relationship should be eternal. It stops working, you walk away.1
When you can’t live without someone, or believe you cannot, this stops your relationship from being conditional upon it working. And that’s when you end up in toxic dumpster fires believing you have no choice but to burn.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Your life is your own. If you feel you cannot live without someone, that’s a red flag that you need to reconsider where you’re spending your time.
Are you giving yourself time to reflect on who you are, your likes/dislikes, your desires/goals/values independent of your relationship?
Are you giving yourself time to build a life outside this relationship? Nurturing friendships, pursuing hobbies, going for spontaneous massages?
Are you giving yourself time to reflect on whether this relationship makes your life better? To have the hard conversations that answer this all-deciding question?
I am simplifying of course. Your reality will be complicated by financial, legal, social, offspring considerations. But I ask: Do you really not want to have a life outside your relationship? Suffer mistreatment because you’re afraid of dying alone?
“I can’t live without you” is no way to have a relationship. “I can live without you, but I want you in my life because with you it’s so much better,” is a far better basis.
Don’t you think?
What do you think?
Is there someone you can’t live without?
What can you change in your life so you can choose to be with them, rather than feel you have to? Please hit “reply” or leave a comment—I read every response and I’d love to hear from you. If you want, share this post with someone you don’t need, but truly want in your life.
Until next Friday… Stay thoughtful,
Val
You might try fixing it first, but not every relationship can, or should be, fixed.
Those are some thoughtful questions. I like the idea about thinking what are you doing for yourself outside of your relationships. There's many ways of doing that. It could be in the world of fitness, side hustles, or just hobbies
I said this all the time to my husband. We'd met when we were 18, got married at 23. I really thought it was true! When he died at 32, I discovered that I could, indeed, live without him. It was (and sometimes still is) beyond horrible, and there were times I truly didn't want to keep living without him, but I kept going.
I'm in another relationship now. We've been together almost 7 years and have a child, and I love him so much — but I've never said these words. I learned my lesson!
(You know all this, Val, but it's helpful to share. Thanks for the prompt!)