“Does anyone know where I can buy this bag? I need it!” “Can you recommend a good salon? I really need my nails done!” “What are your favourite vacation spots? I desperately need a getaway.”
I’ve not spent three minutes on Vietnam’s foremost female expat Facebook group and I’ve seen the word “need” on at least a dozen posts seeking advice. I need this bag. I need new nails. I need a holiday. And I can’t help but roll my eyes.
You need oxygen. You need food. You need sleep. You don’t need a bag. You don’t need paint on your nails. You don’t need a holiday.
You want them. And that’s not the same thing.
Wanting isn’t needing
I’ve always had trouble understanding people who say (and believe) they need things no human can possibly need: think designer bags, a tan, trips to Japan. I don’t know if I’m wired differently or if I’m being unnecessarily pedantic, but I don’t think of things I want in terms of need.
I’ve been a Taylor Swift fan since I was 19 and have spent over $2,000 to secure a ticket and flights to see her Eras Tour in the UK. Of course I want to be at the concert, but I don’t need to be there. If something more important comes up or if my date gets cancelled, I’ll be disappointed, but I won’t drop dead.
I’m fully committed to this newsletter and desperately want to reach new audiences who’ll find my writing worthwhile, but I don’t need more subscribers. Even if I remain at 230 readers forever, writing Val Thinks every week will still bring me joy.
I love my partner deeply and there’s nothing I want more than to spend the rest of my life with him, but I don’t need him. If one day our relationship should fall apart, I’ll be devastated, but I’ll live.
To me, there is a thin but clearly-defined line separating “want” and “need.” Things you need are, by definition, necessary—you can’t survive without them. Think water, vegetables, exercise. Things you want, on the other hand, are completely superfluous. They’re nice to have—but you won’t die if you don’t.
Which is why it befuddles me every time I hear someone say they need a bag. I can’t help but wonder what led them to the conclusion that said bag is a necessity in their life. Do they genuinely believe they won’t be able to go on should they fail to acquire this bag, however magnificent it may be?
Or are they simply too lazy to make the distinction between “want” and “need?”
Why this distinction matters
Not making a distinction between “want” and “need” is, I believe, a mistake. When you start thinking you need all these things you don’t really need, you heighten the significance of these needs in your mind and let them dictate your happiness.
“I need this bag” says you can’t be happy without it. “I want this bag” simply states your desire—it doesn’t negate your ability to be happy.
More importantly, saying you “need” something implies powerlessness on your behalf. It’s as if someone somewhere has decreed “Thou shalt have this bag!” and you have no choice but to max out your credit card.
Whereas saying you “want” something confers ownership. It is I who want to go to my Taylor Swift concert, I who want to reach more readers, I who want to enjoy my partner’s wonderful company until the end of my days. These desires are mine and mine alone—they’re not dictated by anyone.
Saying I “want” these things frees me—and my happiness—from the shackles of “need.”
You don’t need the designer bag. You want it. You don’t need your nails done. You want it. You don’t need the weekend getaway. You want it.
When you make this small but crucial distinction, you realise you always have the power to decide. There’s no one condemning you to months, if not years, of frantically searching for that elusive bag. There’s no higher power striking you down if you let your nails get scruffy. There’s no jailer forcing you to spend money you don’t have on a staycation.
Which isn’t to say you can’t want these things. As the great philosopher Selena Gomez once said, “the heart wants what it wants… baby.” If you want that designer bag, so be it—me not sharing or understanding your desire doesn’t make it any less valid.
As long as you remember: it is you who want that bag, and you alone who get to decide. You can continue your desperate search. You can settle on a less exclusive model. You can even eschew the bag entirely and spend your bag money on a spa day or invest it instead. You can do whatever the hell you want—the choice is yours.
What do you think?
Now that we’re on the same page:
What do you want?
What did you think you need that you now realise you merely want? Please hit “reply” or leave a comment—I read every response and I’d love to hear from you. If you want, share this with someone who’ll want to read this.
Until next Friday… Stay thoughtful,
Val
Photo by Korie Cull on Unsplash
Couldn’t be a capitalist/consumerist society if we did not instill the FOMO and, thus, the confusion of want and need.