I live for you

Plus: My first podcast appearance!

Mar 20, 2025

Two hours after the interview ended, I had the perfect answer.

What’s it like to be a writer? Sagar had asked, and I had frozen. Only hours later did I remember what I’d wanted to say:

Being a writer is constantly wondering what I can write about. How much of that conversation that sparked this idea can I recount? Who can I mention, name, risk offending? How transparent can I be? What can I say despite the short life I’ve lived?

Being a writer is living a double life, never ceasing to siphon my actual life into my life on the page, always doubting which is real.

I could have said all this to Sagar. Instead I made a stupid joke.

My life as a writer

I started writing, really writing, when I was in high school. l had found myself simultaneously inspired by Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, and Star Wars, so I set out to create a world of my own in my sci-fi/fantasy/romance epic Hunted.

I wrote a hundred pages, lost faith in my flimsy plot, then started another novel inspired by The Princess Diaries. I wrote without direction, got lost in details, and with a conviction so complete I could only be fifteen, blamed my failure on the format. Novels are not for me—I’m better off writing short stories.

It didn’t take long to discover, to my dismay, that even short stories needed plots. And this is the point at which I gave up on fiction entirely.

After that frustrating stint, I left the world of writing to join the living. I moved to the UK to study, and for half a decade Economics and French and internships and boyfriends kept me occupied.

Then I fell depressed—once, twice, three times. And lying at the bottom of that pit, looking up into the light, I felt so worthless even I—in my dulled state—knew I had to do something to prove the point of my existence.

I returned to writing. I started a blog which I titled Living Time. And I wrote. Post after post I wrote—most mediocre, some bad, none good. But it didn’t matter. All I needed from my writing was to see that I could make something, to have concrete evidence of my worth.

In my final battle with depression, writing was my lifeline. And through the ensuing mania, institutionalisation, identity reformation, professional struggles, eventual success, and personal joys, I held on.

I’ll never let go.

My life on the page

I owe my life to writing. More literally than you’d care to know.

That I’m writing for a living blows my mind every day. I look back on all those abandoned novels, half-baked stories, subpar blogs, and I can’t believe, for a start, that I get paid to write by a No. 1 New York Times bestselling author and, even more incredibly, that you are voluntarily reading this newsletter I’ve conjured from the mess of my mind.

For years now I’ve been living my double life. This is a blessing, but the boundary is tricky to navigate.

It requires a constant vigilance to not slip from my life in the world into my life on the page, to not write the words as they’re spoken or heard, to remain fully present—or at least as present as a creator on a perpetual search for content can be.

Sometimes I crave a switch to silence my writing self. Can I please just be in this moment? Can I enjoy this conversation without having to retrieve my phone to jot down a newsletter idea? Can I live just for myself?

But really, I know better. I’ve chosen to be a writer, and with that choice I’ve condemned myself to a life half lived for others—the half I’m ceaselessly curating from the other half that’s mine, that I commit every week to the page, that I write and rewrite until every word has found its place, that I sent to your inbox this morning, that you’re reading right now.

This is my life on the page. I lived this for you.

What do you think?

I could have said all this to Sagar when he interviewed me for his newly launched podcast Beyond the Speech (Apple Podcast | Spotify). But when do answers ever present themselves in our time of need? I did, however, tell Sagar about my time in a locked mental ward, what it’s like to work for Mark Manson (and how I got my job), and my many thoughts—because: Val Thinks—on life and productivity.

It’s my very first media appearance. And you’re my very first readers. So by this twisted logic you should give it a listen/watch. I had a lot of fun telling my story, and I think you’ll have a lot of fun hearing it as well.

Watch/Listen to: “The Person Behind Mark Manson’s Newsletter - Val Saksornchai”
[YouTube | Apple Podcast | Spotify]

While you’re indulging me, why don’t you give Sagar a follow? He is an incredible interviewer and doing great things with his podcast. I’m a fan.

Now for your question of the week:

Who do you live for?

Please hit “reply” or leave a comment—I read every response and I’d love to hear from you. If you want, share this post with someone who lives for themselves—fully and unapologetically.